To my fellow commuters

To the guy on the salmon and teal race bike from the seventies: Riding out of the saddle all the time with the sprinter face on and the body gestures like you’re hammering it over the finish line? These things make you look like a douchebag. Learn to shift. Also, wear a helmet so I don’t have to see your faux-hawk. And honestly I really hope that that bike came in that color, otherwise you have likely committed a crime. Please stop being a fashion victim. I imagine you getting home and stroking your collection of outfit appropriate skateboards, and I really could do without that.

To the guy on the black mountain bike: While I applaud your commute-friendly tires and the fact that you’re actually wearing a helmet, trackstanding at every light does not make you cool. Mostly it just makes you take up a lot of space, rocking back and forth like that. If it’s more than 5 seconds, just stand.

To the woman on the single speed conversion: Your frame is too large and your handlebars are inappropriate. Also please make it clear what you’re doing and don’t just wait for me to get right up behind you then pull over and stop at the green light for no apparent reason. And if wearing your bag like that is the only way to keep it from slipping around, you need a new bag. Also, wear a helmet.

To the older gentleman on the non-descript mountain bike this morning: While I realize that it’s nice to be able to ride smoothly and without stops from your home to your destination, please don’t roll past me because I’ve stopped before the crosswalk. I’m supposed to stop there. So are you. Especially so because I passed you in the last block. You’re riding slowly. Stay behind faster riders when you stop behind them at lights. Otherwise, they’ll have to pass you again, which is dangerous, because San Francisco’s bike lanes are too narrow and too close to the parked cars. Also, since this happens to me at least twice every single morning, one of these days I’m going to snap and just shove you into those parked cars as I pass. Please be considerate.