association-list

To the guy on the salmon and teal race bike from the sev­en­ties: Riding out of the saddle all the time with the sprinter face on and the body ges­tures like you’re ham­mer­ing it over the finish line? These things make you look like a douchebag. Learn to shift. Also, wear a helmet so I don’t have to see your faux-​​hawk. And hon­estly I really hope that that bike came in that color, oth­er­wise you have likely com­mit­ted a crime. Please stop being a fash­ion victim. I imag­ine you get­ting home and stroking your col­lec­tion of outfit appro­pri­ate skate­boards, and I really could do with­out that.

To the guy on the black moun­tain bike: While I applaud your commute-​​friendly tires and the fact that you’re actu­ally wear­ing a helmet, track­stand­ing at every light does not make you cool. Mostly it just makes you take up a lot of space, rock­ing back and forth like that. If it’s more than 5 sec­onds, just stand.

To the woman on the single speed con­ver­sion: Your frame is too large and your han­dle­bars are inap­pro­pri­ate. Also please make it clear what you’re doing and don’t just wait for me to get right up behind you then pull over and stop at the green light for no appar­ent reason. And if wear­ing your bag like that is the only way to keep it from slip­ping around, you need a new bag. Also, wear a helmet.

To the older gen­tle­man on the non-​​descript moun­tain bike this morn­ing: While I real­ize that it’s nice to be able to ride smoothly and with­out stops from your home to your des­ti­na­tion, please don’t roll past me because I’ve stopped before the cross­walk. I’m sup­posed to stop there. So are you. Espe­cially so because I passed you in the last block. You’re riding slowly. Stay behind faster riders when you stop behind them at lights. Oth­er­wise, they’ll have to pass you again, which is dan­ger­ous, because San Francisco’s bike lanes are too narrow and too close to the parked cars. Also, since this hap­pens to me at least twice every single morn­ing, one of these days I’m going to snap and just shove you into those parked cars as I pass. Please be considerate.